Un lugar en el mundo

I once saw an Argentine movie in my Hispanic Cinema class called Un lugar en el mundo, directed by Adolfo Aristarain. It was nominated for an Oscar but due to red tape was later revoked of its nomination. The story is about a family that lives a peaceful life on their ranch in spite of a local economic bully that wants the cooperative (to which the family belongs) to sell to a developer. I won't say more, just that the last scenes are what I remember most. One of the main characters says something like, "I can't leave. I've found my place in the world and this is where I belong". I'm eager to find my place and to stay there. I want to learn the placeways and history of the place I live, and then I don't want to leave.

A friend of mine told me that he and his family have drawn closer together since leaving Utah, the place they've lived since they were married, and moving to a place far from their extended family. While I don't know that he would call their current location "a place of their own", from what I've gathered, it has sort of fulfilled that function, even if it's a temporary thing.

When I was visiting St. Louis I felt a real peace, like I belonged there, at least for a time. There was a silence I experienced there, it was calming. There was a feeling of history and other things that were inviting. But my family and I won't be moving there.

I'm still trying to figure out why I made the decision I did, to go back to California. It's a place for me that is full of ghosts, a place that can't be my lugar en el mundo. I'm not the person I was when I left California and returning, as it always does, implies haunting. My ghosts will turn up from time to time, I won't even need to tease them out. My memories that are so connected to place will tease out the ghosts, and everywhere will be uncanny.

I was at once drawn to California and terrified by it. My feelings reminded me of what Freud calls death drive. In many ways, my decision doesn't make much sense. But maybe I need toreturn..."Acaso para exorcizar, de un a vez, los murmullos que mataron a Juan Preciado [vuevlo] a Comala" (Julieta Campos).