However, there are some weeks where I feel more like the Chicago song "Hard to say I'm Sorry" better describes how I feel about the field that I (¿unwisely?) chose. I mean, check these lyrics out, don't some of you feel the same way every other week?
"Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from each oooooooooother. Even lovers need a holiday, far away from each ooooooooother!" Hold me know, it's hard for me to say I'm sorry. I just want you to stay. After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you, I promise you."
I don't know if the "her" in this song is academia telling me it needs a holiday from me, or if I'm the her telling academia that we need some time "far away from each oooooooooother!" But either way, I don't know of any other song that captures the love-hate relationship many of us have with academia. Regardless, it's obvious that we need a break. At least that's how I feel today. In the mean time, dig some sweet tunes from Chicago.
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While we must recognize that someday people will look back at our photos and say, "WTF", right now all I can see in this photo is the really bad hair and clothing. The mullet-stache-vest combo makes Ben's neighbor look more like a used-car salesman than a rock god.
"Here's a beauty! This 1973 Buick Riviera is just what you need!"
2nd to the right doesn't even know the picture's being taken. He's just thinking about the last doobie he smoked and when he can smoke another one and eat the big sub sandwich he has stashed in his fridge at home.
Middle man is one cup size short of a woman.
Drastic, terrible, tragic, and sad.
And, worst of all, I don't even like Chicago! (The band, not the city.) Sorry, Ben!
I'm the one with the man-boobs and yes, I understand where you're coming from. It took me a few semesters before the doubts started.
I only like them for comedic reasons Mateus. I don't know why I didn't see it but thanks to both of you for pointing out the dude in the middle with the moobs. He sort of looks like a girl with a big chin and broad shoulders. That's comedy folks!
I'm not sure if it's Fall talking but I'm loving the Academy right now. Ok, it's probably because I'm applying for jobs right now (that's right fellow graddies, a job!). It's as if all of my late night ulcers and early morning delirium never happened. I've talked so much about 'when we have a house' that now my kids have latched on to that comet. John: "Daddy, when we have a house, can you buy me a really fast car?" I sense that my kids see having a permanent residence as the door to their wildest dreams.
Oh, great, I have to finish my dissertation first? Sheesh.
Perhaps what we all need is an academic Rumspringa, where we all have to take a break and do something else for a semester in order to see if it's what we really want/need, and to preserve our sanity/provide some "real-world" perspective (as disliked as real-world perspective is in our corner of academia). I've found the roller coaster ride of love-hate with grad school the last year and a half to be kind of enloquecedor.
Mac, my kids ask about the house too. I sort of feel like I'm robbing Evelyn of part of the American Child's experience, a back yard. I remember how magical it all seemed when I was small. I really think that if I could afford a house, I wouldn't mind teaching mostly grammar with some culture for $40-45,000/year.
Pablo, I feel you man. A break would be nice, we took our first vacation in two years last summer and we both realized that we'd been wound up so tight that we forgot to just enjoy the little things. But it is great to step back, leave the books inside and work on the farm for a few days. I wish I could do so more.
This week in particular has been a real roller coaster for several reasons. First, I found a book that was published two years ago that pretty much makes my dissertation idea unoriginal. But I think there is still more to say in my area. I was high on dissertation ideas, then got low on the book find. Then I met with my advisor and we started writing my PhD exam list and that got me high again. This was all within a 5 hour period. But much of that morning was wasted on stress, feeling a bit down, and wishing that I had a fresh-fruit bar in my tiny little office. I also haven't been exercising much. I did some pushups and situps yesterday for the second day in a row and I'm feeling kind of good today. It's hard, I don't know that it will ever be easy. But I'm finally starting to see a clearing in the jungle (to borrow a phrase). I'm sorry if I have been a catalyst of negativity for any of you. I will try to do better. Keep on keepin' on, even if you still feel you need to so so outside of the Academy.
P.S. I have applied for non academic jobs every year I've been in Irvine. It's part of my summer unemployment-depression.
"I sense that my kids see having a permanent residence as the door to their wildest dreams."
Classic, Mac, classic. But I have to tell you it kicks the crap out of an apt. It really does. And my backyard even sucks. Lumpy, hard, dead grass, weeds and sticks (no money to fix any of it, of course), and fire ants. But it's still awesome!!!!
I don't think you could be a catalyst for negativity, Ben. Grad school is the catalyst for negativity. Why just today I told a young whippersnapper who started her Masters that complaining is an inalienable right for grad students. It's a grad student's bread and butter so to speak.
This whole semester has been me dragging my feet with classes but mostly excited about my potential dissertation project. This past summer all I did was work and come home and play with the kiddos. It was more or less amazing. Which is why it's been so hard to get back into the swing of things this semester. With the exception of my Latin class, my seminars have just been blah. As a result I've been doing a little too many "extra-curriculars" with the fam and it has had mixed results, academically speaking. But my family's happy!
I wouldn't mind doing the Rumspringa, even though I don't know what that word means exactly. Let's all move to...Madrid for a year! Yay! We'll all teach Spanish...wait..
Anyway, Ben. Don't despair for being despairing. Blame grad school. It's grad school's fault. It really is.
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